slambien:

How To Make Love

About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

ELEGY FOR THE LOVES THAT DIDN’T LAST

notebookings:

     after Corey Van Landingham

For the first boy who broke my heart and the first boy whose heart
I broke. For the boy with soft hands. The boy with calloused hands
who knew how to use them softly. For the one who always came
back. For the one who left. For the one who couldn’t let go and
the one who taught me how. For the boys with eyelashes longer
than mine. For your mothers who let me come over a little more
than I should have and your fathers who were never there. For
your big hands. For babe and for baby. For the one who wore
jeans and men’s cologne because I told you that I liked them.
For your bedroom and our hotel rooms. For the numbers 8 
and 19. For the summers we didn’t spend together and the
weekends we did. For the serendipity of it all. For the one
I said I’d stop writing about and the one I know I’ll never
stop writing of. For my little forevers. I still think of you
when airplanes fly by, but I don’t wish on them anymore.
We had a good run. Thank you.

(Kim Visda)

aflylovesong:

Loyalty and orgasms are all I really want in a relationship

I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.
Epiphany.  (via krook)

(Source: 1missedcallfrommom)